The thing about being a survivor of depression - is that I've become hyper-aware of myself, my moods & bits of my body. Being female, I can write off some of my mood swings to hormones but when the silliest little thing can spoil a whole day and hormones can't be blamed, then I start trying to analyse the last few weeks. Have I been like this a lot? Is this the start of a downward trend? Was that little bump there before?
Yes, I've had a pretty shitty & stressful week but actually I think I've coped quite well with that - it's all purely practical & physical stuff - cars breakdown, companies send the wrong parts etc. No, this is different - this is moods & emotions going awry - getting upset over stupid, inconsequential things like conversations that just stop, messages that never get a response, withdrawing from previously enjoyed activities because I just don't want to join in right now.
It's strange though because yesterday was a fab day - I got so much done & it felt great. This morning I wake up & even though the sun is shining, it's a dark, bleak day. Just waiting, always just waiting until it's time to go back to bed. I've done all the usual stuff to distract myself but my brain seems set on moping around today - I guess it's just one of those days & I just gotta get through it but I hate these days.
It's days like these that I beat myself up the most - I know I'm being silly, I know people don't mean anything by not responding to that last comment - something came up or the convo is finished in their eyes or they just didn't see the message until way later. I know my few friends would love a phone call for a chat but it's been so long, I don't know how to even begin a general chit chat type call. I know all this in my head but my brain is set in its' rut today & I can't seem to get it to jump the tracks!
Learning how to live alone is tough. There's no-one around for a quick hug or a simple good night or good morning. I alone am responsible for my happiness & today, I suck at it. I haven't had a decent hug in 2 months & it looks like another 2 months before I can feel those arms around me again. Long distance sucks too. I sure as hell didn't chose an easy path this time round did I?
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